I suppose I could havce classified this under "MY LIFE" but the subject is more psychological although it is about my life since I am about to talk about it from my perspective.
Guilt guilt guilt... Something just clicked in my brain recently that during the post-production vacation, it started to evaporate. And at the same time I am feeling much much better. I have been guilt-ridden probably for years.
Just you know, the whole negative self conversation that many people have at times... "You didn't do this well enough. You should have blah blah. Everyone else in X subject does Y, and you are not. Oh I pissed off that person, it's all my fault. If I had done Z I am sure I would be in W, but since I didn't I deserve P. I don't want to go there but I will because I don't want to make them feel bad." And so on ad nauseum.
Along the way I came to realize and accept (how ironic, accept) that I am actually pretty damn creative... but my creativity has no issues whatsoever painting the good pictures and the bad ones. If the self conversation was about guilt, my creativity had absolutely no reservation painting the darkest consequences, the worst scenarios. It's in effect a visualization- but a visualization of a negative outcome.
And at the risk of this sounding all too obvious to some of you, I'll say it anyway- just last week I was able to make concrete what is so bad about guilt or being guilt ridden: guilt makes self-punishment not just ok, but a moral duty. It legitimizes and totally justifies the self-punishment. It makes it "totally called for."
And of course, self-punishment (I concluded virtually any) in the amounts I was dishing it out to myself can ony definitively screw up a lot of things.... so it is now in hindsight no surprise that once the guilt started to finally die, a lot of things just brightened up.
I think the most dangerous thing is perhaps, that you are very likely to slip into a clinically-depressed state. If you are one of those that are convinced everybody chooses everything - then I hope you don't feel too bad when one day you hit a wall (you probaby will) and wonder "what's wrong with you." I think a combination of genetics & upbringing definitively can have people in some areas with virtually no skill to make a decision that for others is just as trivial as drinking water. Or brushing their teeth.
Really, it's not that easy for some people. It doesn't help that it reinforces itself.
I am still a bit amazed by the whole process (and a bit dumbfounded?) but definitively one key thing is the foundation of "shoulds/musts/oughts..." - transparent beliefs and thoughts with these words in it- beware. These are probably the very danger that provide a foundation for many bad things.
There's a difference between feeling you made a mistake and viewing it like that and take whatever action is required - and feelling truly guilty. Some people don't feel this but many others do and I was one of them.
I am I'll be writting more about this in the future.