Here's the first of what should be several posts, on my autopsy of what happened on a recent event in my life, in a relationship (note: it wasn't a boyfriend), what I think I need to learn, so on.
First things first - some rules & disclaimers
I am about to embark in some dissection of my current psyche. The purpose is to share what I discover, while forcing me to concretize what I am feeling, thinking, observing. And yes, this can certainly be therapeutical. It will also certainly be painful- very much so at times- and it will also be at other times random and incomplete.
If this bothers you, you can stop reading some of my upcoming "MY LIFE" entries right now. Nobody is forcing you to read them, and I am putting all the warnings now.
I provide absolutely no warranties of comfort of reading, of simplified clear thoughts, and most of all, of stuff that YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK AND USE YOUR BRAIN. This won't be passive entertainment by virtue of the subjects I will explore. And it will be a personal podium that at times may get too emotional, the opposite, self absorbed, euphoric or random.
Also- some of the things I will say and explore may seem BLOODY OBVIOUS™ to some. If this is your case, and that bothers/bores/whatever you can also skip/stop reading. Someone's commonsense is often someone else's hard to find "zen gem."
Finally, I will try to use the word "I" more than "You" (even though I did just the opposite). Why? It's good to speak for myself. After all, the world is full of exceptions and I am talking about my experience anyway. It also forces me to take more responsibility.
One more last minute addition: I have definitively procrastinated in publishing this. As time goes on, the more it seems like something that either I do it quick or just not do it... kind of like cut some memories already... not sure. We'll see how it goes.
On the virtues & pitfalls of creativity
The first thing I am learning and that has crossed my mind, is that being an extremely creative person bears with it much responsibility. Create - the act of bringing something into existence. Creativity - ability to bring into existence things that are for the most part, considered original. If you are creative- you bring a lot of things into existence, probably original in nature.
At first pass it seems like it's all good. Just be creative and create! Well, not so. It's in a way, a loaded gun. I have to aim correctly, I have to understand how to use it. If I don't, someone will get hurt. That someone will very likely to be me - and if someone else gets hurt, I will probably get hurt in the process, either directly or indirectly.
Creativity obeys in the end no master. It provides and produces material for both the good and bad sides of me. And like orange juice, it can be mixed in many types of drinks. Some are really good drinks, some are poisonous potions.
---- Passive aggression
Passive aggression. Is there such thing? Yes there is. Hitting someone while avoiding an obvious confrontation. "Forgetting" to do something. Webbing different memories from the past and word them together so that they make someone feel bad, then have the "obligation" to do something. Something I want, something I need. Or something I think I need.
Is this a conscious calculated endeavor? For me it isn't. At least the 95%+ of the time it is not. I know this sounds weird and it sounds like I want to just avoid responsibility (more on this distinction and responsibility later), but yes, I think it can be just a habit and way of doing things that once it has become automatic- probably in my case through learning in my upbringing and other socio-cultural interactions- it reinforces itself as a pattern and becomes invisible to the conscious. Like breathing, it just happens. I may become aware but after the fact.
That said, I will admit I can see glances of experiences were I simply avoided thinking, and then behaviors happened. By that I don't mean it like it was that straight forward- avoiding thinking here is avoiding going in a direction that would have required some conscious effort to dig some truth, it wasn't that obvious, but nonetheless I can see that avoidance in some cases. I believe this string of emerging posts will be precisely putting a stop to that. At least in what I examine here.
I want to make clear that the paragraph above sounds like I do this 100% of the time- that's not the case. I am talking about the times I feel I have done it or do it. I recognize now that this is a lot of the "training" I received when I was growing up. As a kid my neurons in the brain will learn/adapt strategies that are seen around, or create survival strategies for the pysche, and those things are not that easy to change as time goes on. In fact, I have found, I can become aware and that doesn't guarantee effective change one bit. It's similar to realizing you are in a jail, as if you woke up from some dementia or madness. Being aware is necessary, for change, but not sufficient.
As for responsibility- I want to make clear, not knowing or not being fully conscious doesn't eliminate my responsibility. While I think it can make for more compassionate cases for forgiveness or tolerances, and perhaps in the light of true complete ignorance it may in a way deserve that, it doesn't mean that the world doesn't have the right to shake me up and point out what I am doing so I look at it, become aware and act on that knowledge. Just because someone who is crazy and may do bad things may do things unconsciously doesn't mean we are going to let that person walk around unchecked- this being an extreme example of what I mean as I am not exactly unconscious.
--- What is at the heart of this.
I think there are many scenarios that actually end up in the use of passive aggression. Some are the dance that happens when two people do it to each other. "Poking" for "fun" or a reaction if you will, probably one of the ways that I say "I am here, are you there?" in this phenomena we call life and self awareness.
Another scenario is the manipulation of someone else to achieve something I need or want. Or actually more accurately- something *I think* I need or want.
Why is this?
Because I have a belief that I need X to be successful (potential sources: learned/society/parents)
Because how it feels (potential sources: animal, sex drive, adrenaline rush, conditioned behavior)
Because of the meaning of how it feels (potential sources: self/society)
Because of what I think of myself. What I think of myself changes by "creating" the "experiences" around me that prove something- however false it may be (potential sources: insecurity, false sense of worth or source of worth)
Feeling a sense of "justice" in "punishing" some behavior - like when exposing hypocrisy (this is a subset of 'because of how it feels' but with society / parents/whaver rules added in of morale). There is some irony and sarcasm things I believe I say that are more subtle and thus fall more into passive aggressive.
So my point now that I realize I am coming a bit vague at some points, is that I do think in several situations, I do use passive aggressive behavior. And I am seeing two recurrent situations:
- When I want to "poke" someone to make them think about something (this one is less common as usually I do that fairly directly)
- When someone is made feel bad to get attention of something I think I need or I think I want, express my frustration in a not so healthy way, while in the very act of doing me "console" myself almost with some sort of "I knew it, or I was right" in which I necessarily martyrize/hurt myself. It's an odd combination, and I am not 100% sure this explains what I am thinking right now... or if this is even it.. but it would be almost like it's this weird concentrated combination of reconfirming bad events or bad things you expected - to maybe deserve? or happen... while expressing very strongly your frustration to somebody, having the effect of that make them feel bad and gain attention for you. Maybe some crumbs of bread of the things you want.
Now that I think about it, this can definitively become addictive. It's a reinforcement schedule.
And I need to think about all this some more. A lot of this sounds right but there are some details that seem off...
There is a place in New Hall, California, which in turn is around Canyon Country, California (where I live) that has quite a concoction for a mix of music, coffee and horse/cowboy type products. It's actually more than that.
I went there the first time a while back to drink some coffee with a friend (? yeah, the one that I don't talk to anymore), and liked the coffee. Went a couple more times to check the music events, and when I started my vacation, went there for some more coffee but talked to the owner for a bit.
The musicians that go there rank from amateur to some others that I wouldn't have believed would be playing there. And there's all sorts of people connected there too. Like a comic book artist giving a conference at the last comic con. I am very surprised (in a good way), how the owner has been able in a mere year and a half, get a place going with so many contacts.
He basically told me it's all about being friendly, getting to know people for real and not say no to anything he can do to help with his business as long as it helps his business too- but this in a genuine way, not in the typical "backstab you, use you" way. I believe it.
Anyway, I noticed he has some paintings for sale and there it was then, one photograph. So I inquired about that, had to happen my "tree" shot at the end of last year from Valencia handy and showed it to him, which he seemed to like quite a bit. So I would check how to print, frame and all, then get back to him to talk about some details. I could have done that that time, silly me.
After one music event I assisted to about two weeks ago, I came back on Tuesday to finalize details and the place seems closed. I try to inquire about and the next door neighbor all she says is that she doesn't want to say anything representing him, and that he will be back tomorrow, and that was that.
I come back the next day and same thing. So today Thursday I go back to Rattlenake's Slim (as the place is called) and I caught him by mere chance. The reason the place looks closed is because someone's idea of fun apparently is to set fire to a business, and while the place didn't quite burn down, enough fire happened to burn the food area and screw up quite a bit of the merchandise.
This reminded me when someone vandalized my new & shiny(tm) central A/C unit last year around November- or October whenever it was. I really wonder what's in the mind of people that do stuff like this. I mean really, it truly sucks.
There were some shows scheduled to happen on some weekends- now all of that canceled. IT's good to know he was insured and he plans to reopen in a month to a month and a half. Needless to say I am sure this is the kind of thing that makes you want to choke someone's neck. I also offered my assistance to help with whatever I can if he needs it. He also reassured me to definitively come back when it's open to put the photograph.
and more posts to follow in the next 48 hours. I have written enough to cover two posts, just been busy going around with my brother which came for a visit for a week and other side projects. But I have been writing what I want to post....