Something died tonight. Something in me, or perhaps the idea I had of someone else. Perhaps both. The deal is, a friend is no more, an ex lover that was already no more on that end, is decidedly never to be. It's painful. There is no pointedly accusations to make. He was a great man. Whatever trivial or minor "he said, he said" arguments that can be made, really pale in comparison to the usual arguments you hear for any couple going through a divorce, because the sins were never anywhere near that big.
So where does that leave me? Leaves me with a couple of things I need to examine, recheck. It obviously and needless to say leaves a big emptiness inside at least for the time being. I am not sure I can look back at memories with joy or they will be like those memories you have of a child/son you had, that was brutally killed by a fatal disease and you rather forget the events, though I guess the analogy doesn't quite apply as I imagine parents would never forget their sons in a situation like that.
I don't know what to say. I am sure there's much to learn from this and I am sure I won't learn it all in the next hours, days or weeks but maybe only in the months and years ahead.
I feel somewhat heartbroken, yet not quite. A bit like those ghosts that linger because they have an unfinished task to do.. though this time, they are perhaps aware they are about to finally move... since.. there is no task to do - or perhaps they discover, there NEVER was any task to do, and just realized that.
That truth, sword ornamented with honesty that I have used so many times to kill, and by it I get now killed. May you get stuck in my heart deep enough so the intense pain lasts short, and the intense bleeding yield me more awareness, new habits and conclusions that I better learn by now, before my life on this planet Earth is over.
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