Raw Consciousness

MY LIFE - time to refocus...

Next posts I will focus on the few things I think I need to learn/learned/observed I may need to change.  The list will surely be incomplete, will take months or even years.

MY LIFE - I wish I could talk with you...

And tell you about new exciting stuff I am going to be doing for weddings.

Or show you my two new lenses.

Or watch you play Metal Gear Solid 4- as you will understand it far more than I do. In fact, so far I hate it, but not because it's a bad game. It just seems not my type of game.

And tell you that I am going to still give it an honest try- to go beyond the initial pain that it is to learn a complex control scheme in a game.

And have my cats say meow meow to you.

And to greet each other and know it's ok, that I know my place and you know yours and I know yours.

But I know I can't. 

And all I have from you is the one sided communication that HTML can provide on a seemingly random occasion, or the on/off sound an IM program can provide.

Even if I was mad, even if I still am, I wish I could talk with you...

DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY - cats and lens...

Saw my cat going for the reflection of the sun and my camera, and had my new lens (the Panny Leica 25mm) on the e-410, so went with the e-410. I currently mainly use my e-420, and my e-410 is the backup. Yes, those two numbers are camera models :-).  The "bloom" you are seeing is not a lens nor camera sensor defect- it's the result of over exposed areas combined with the effects of a shallow DOF (I was shooting at F1.4), so it gives this "glamoury bloom..."

DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY - more wide play...

Still trying to "get" the new ultra wide lens. Here are some shots I took today.

MY LIFE - Habits and forgetting...

Sometimes you want to move on from a situation or a relation with someone - or what have you- change part of who you are.  And in some cases, you need to forget certain things or have them in your brain in such a way that their recall is somewhat subdued, so it looks perhaps like an old sepia photograph, and things don't really affect you.

Cognitive dissonance theory says that there is a "tri-force" to human behavior- mental/thoughts, feelings and habit. Have two aligned and the third one will eventually fall. And speaking of habit it's hard to get past certain things when habit may bring some memories.  This Saturday feels very empty today. I need to keep my mind busy on something.. but I just feel like I can't just fire up a "drug" (read: World of Warcraft) and just 'burn the time'- though to my credit I think I finally learned how to use my new printer- at first I was somewhat frustrated with the results.

It's so easy for a certain habit to bring certain memories.. the habit here is doing certain things with someone in particular or with that someone around.  You talk, you chat, you say this, he says that, bounce ideas. What habit brings when I am doing certain things today is the reminder of the glaring omission of someone in particular.

And no, you don't need this person in particular- whoever he or she is in your life- to be at the wife/boyfriend/lover level - just even a "standard" or "normal" friend level will do. I suppose this is exacerbated by the fact that honestly, I haven't seen many people I can call friends here in California, though the number of potential candidates seems to have grown lately.

It's the glaring reminder "in your face" than in this universe, when all is said and done, you are really, alone.

VIDEO GAMES - yup, I got one now. About time I get Blu.

So I finally have a PS3. Saw a nice deal, and went for the 80 gigger with MGS4.  While MGS is not exactly my cup of tea, so much work and what not has been put on MGS4 that I feel I need to take a look at "what's going on." Pretty much the same reason I bought GTA 4.

Some thoughts on the PS3 a bit later... oh and the unit I got has the new Dual Shock 3 + it's still PS2-backward compatible. Yay.

MY LIFE - I guess my brother was right...

He told me that even if you are angry at someone and that suspends certain feelings, you can still hit at least part of the bottom of the ocean.  Hmm I can't say I am feeling *that bad* but I am not very happy right now. And I am sick- I have a cold.

My only consolation is that I am doing good at work, and I survived the wedding. The new toys I bought- the lens, and now a higher end Epson photographic printer that can print on fine art paper and yada yada, are temporary ephemeral pleasures when you feel like this, though they can help distract.  Looks like I am going to get some cash out of my photography- I will talk on Friday with the owner of the wedding area I was in for business purposes- we'll see how that goes.

The reality is, I still feel like a bit stabbed in the back.  You may ask how so? Well, the more I think about it, I think the decision that was made was already made weeks or even months ago by the person in question.  Just that finally a situation showed up to let it all out.  Again, I am examining myself carefully here, I have not been exactly a saint except for perhaps intention but you can still be a nasty guy no matters what intentions.

I actually think I discovered about 2 things.. so far.. not sure if I am ready to share them with the open net.  Maybe I will later. Perhaps I should- wouldn't be that much of a raw consciousness otherwise.

When I look back now, I can see I haven been some sort of special outcast already.  It's sad, you think you are in X place and the whole place where you stand actually doesn't exist, and you realize it when you hit that cold ground fast and hard.

Ah well, I have been in worse. I'll survive. There's still this sense of betrayal of a trust anyway.  I have no choice but to accept it, because it happened.  No ifs, buts, anything new, you are out and never to be seen again, I command, and nothing you say will change it, nothing that happens will change it and the little box you left at home from a potential gift, is to be returned without your sight. Hah.

No matter how much I think about what I have or could have done as I discover it, I don't think that was warranted. To be treated all of a sudden like a complete criminal, acid, a leprous, a bearer of the worst plague.

Anyway, can't change that. Better learn and move on. Hmm I think I am feeling a bit better now.

DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY - some wedding shots...

So after clearing it up with the newly weds, here are some shots from the wedding...

DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY - some snaps @ 14mm....

So went to Vásquez Rocks about 30 mins before closing. No time for walking/setting up shots, I just wanted to get an idea of what the new lens does.  It's weird, bizarre, cool, and strange all at once. I can tell it's not a lens where you can shoot without thinking.  These are all snaps pretty much, not really photographs.  And yeah, that's my hand with the palm just barely in front of the lens. Crazy.

MY LIFE - not so fast....

I probably gave the impression that after a couple of certain events I was going to feel cool, peachy and never ever feel bad about the person that I can't see anymore.  Well I want to clarify- not so fast.  I feel better (much better) but every now and then I still feel this hole, vacuum.  I still shake my head that things had to end so abruptly.  It's not the outcome that surprises me per se but that the abruptness came to be like that and all of a sudden I was treated like a complete outcast/criminal/radioactive toxic waste/full of leprosy or something.  I never did that. I did put a "can't see you" for a bit once, but I never cut the ties like that, and I looked directly in the eye when I did... not through the safety of internet unicode text. I would have never said "don't come here to pick your stuff, I'll ship it to you," stuff that I was loaning as a goodwill favor/potential gift.

It's that, which made me feel better in a way, ironically. I guess it happens, when you feel consciously angry, it's harder to feel sad/depressed (I said consciously angry since many say depression is repressed anger- hey just trying to cover all my bases). I deserve better than that last minute treatment. And he is better than that. Maybe in the coming months or years he will come to realize, that doing that 0 Mph- 60 Mph in 0.2 seconds was too abrupt and bad.  And of course, I have tons of work to do with myself. I am still making my list.

And with these thoughts, today I am off to Vásquez Rocks again with my new lens, and also doing some Java coding at home.