He told me that even if you are angry at someone and that suspends certain feelings, you can still hit at least part of the bottom of the ocean. Hmm I can't say I am feeling *that bad* but I am not very happy right now. And I am sick- I have a cold.
My only consolation is that I am doing good at work, and I survived the wedding. The new toys I bought- the lens, and now a higher end Epson photographic printer that can print on fine art paper and yada yada, are temporary ephemeral pleasures when you feel like this, though they can help distract. Looks like I am going to get some cash out of my photography- I will talk on Friday with the owner of the wedding area I was in for business purposes- we'll see how that goes.
The reality is, I still feel like a bit stabbed in the back. You may ask how so? Well, the more I think about it, I think the decision that was made was already made weeks or even months ago by the person in question. Just that finally a situation showed up to let it all out. Again, I am examining myself carefully here, I have not been exactly a saint except for perhaps intention but you can still be a nasty guy no matters what intentions.
I actually think I discovered about 2 things.. so far.. not sure if I am ready to share them with the open net. Maybe I will later. Perhaps I should- wouldn't be that much of a raw consciousness otherwise.
When I look back now, I can see I haven been some sort of special outcast already. It's sad, you think you are in X place and the whole place where you stand actually doesn't exist, and you realize it when you hit that cold ground fast and hard.
Ah well, I have been in worse. I'll survive. There's still this sense of betrayal of a trust anyway. I have no choice but to accept it, because it happened. No ifs, buts, anything new, you are out and never to be seen again, I command, and nothing you say will change it, nothing that happens will change it and the little box you left at home from a potential gift, is to be returned without your sight. Hah.
No matter how much I think about what I have or could have done as I discover it, I don't think that was warranted. To be treated all of a sudden like a complete criminal, acid, a leprous, a bearer of the worst plague.
Anyway, can't change that. Better learn and move on. Hmm I think I am feeling a bit better now.
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