Raw Consciousness

PSYCHOLOGY - People's reactions to my camera...

Seeing people react to my camera has been interesting. I was trying to prepare for a telephoto shot, when the light turns red and an SUV full of 3-4 guys stops, and one of them with a lot of intent made it very clear (in a funny impromptu way) that he WANTED me to take this photo.

Here's the best shot I took out of three:

Yeah, I realize it's underexposed, oh well. 

I found very amusing that before this shot a car actually passed in front of me and him when I took one of the shots, and he actually yelled at the car "you ruined the shot!"  I couldn't stop laughing.

I remember about 3 months back I was in downtown Burbank, CA, and there was a kid (bordering on teenager) with a friend that just sat down and asked me point blank "please take my picture! take my picture!"  Now I carry contact information with me in case this happens, and I take a picture and I give my contact info, but back then I didn't. When I pointed out how I was going to get the photo back to him he looked a bit dissapointed as the realization dawned on him, and his friend convinced him to not do it anyway.

Nevertheless, I find the whole thing amusing... like we all have some exhibitionist side to us... and who knows where that photo would end?

I also had some people ask me if I was a professional photographer, what I was doing (in a curiosity-non threatening tone), others smile and comment on me taking their photo while they continue walking, etc.

PSYCHOLOGY - game programmers and asian women...

Or that should read: "heterosexual game programmers and Asian women" - that would be more accurate.

It turns out I am writting about something I have observed for a long time but forgot to write about a while ago, but at work it seems that a very large percentage of programmers and even some of the other types of jobs have an asian girlfriend or wife. How high? For programmers it seems more than 70-80% No. I kid you not. I even heard people talking about it on the cruise in which it became even more obvious. Even the British dudes, a few have an asian girlfriend/wife.

Now for the theories, of course...

I even heard that someone high up whose name shall remain anonymous has two reasons:

- they are more shy, more approachable by geeks
- something that I forgot but had to deal with "because they are more submissive."

My theory boils down to one thing:

- they are the ones who are willing to put up with the BS time their husbands/bf's will have thanks to the game industry.

There you go.

PSYCHOLOGY - some of my views on > guilt <

I suppose I could havce classified this under "MY LIFE" but the subject is more psychological although it is about my life since I am about to talk about it from my perspective.

Guilt guilt guilt... Something just clicked in my brain recently that during the post-production vacation, it started to evaporate. And at the same time I am feeling much much better. I have been guilt-ridden probably for years.

What about?

Just you know, the whole negative self conversation that many people have at times... "You didn't do this well enough. You should have blah blah. Everyone else in X subject does Y, and you are not. Oh I pissed off that person, it's all my fault. If I had done Z I am sure I would be in W, but since I didn't I deserve P. I don't want to go there but I will because I don't want to make them feel bad." And so on ad nauseum.

Along the way I came to realize and accept (how ironic, accept) that I am actually pretty damn creative... but my creativity has no issues whatsoever painting the good pictures and the bad ones. If the self conversation was about guilt, my creativity had absolutely no reservation painting the darkest consequences, the worst scenarios. It's in effect a visualization- but a visualization of a negative outcome.

And at the risk of this sounding all too obvious to some of you, I'll say it anyway- just last week I was able to make concrete what is so bad about guilt or being guilt ridden: guilt makes self-punishment not just ok, but a moral duty. It legitimizes and totally justifies the self-punishment. It makes it "totally called for."
And of course, self-punishment (I concluded virtually any) in the amounts I was dishing it out to myself can ony definitively screw up a lot of things.... so it is now in hindsight no surprise that once the guilt started to finally die, a lot of things just brightened up.

I think the most dangerous thing is perhaps, that you are very likely to slip into a clinically-depressed state. If you are one of those that are convinced everybody chooses everything - then I hope you don't feel too bad when one day you hit a wall (you probaby will) and wonder "what's wrong with you." I think a combination of genetics & upbringing definitively can have people in some areas with virtually no skill to make a decision that for others is just as trivial as drinking water. Or brushing their teeth.

Really, it's not that easy for some people. It doesn't help that it reinforces itself.

I am still a bit amazed by the whole process (and a bit dumbfounded?) but definitively one key thing is the foundation of "shoulds/musts/oughts..." - transparent beliefs and thoughts with these words in it- beware. These are probably the very danger that provide a foundation for many bad things.

There's a difference between feeling you made a mistake and viewing it like that and take whatever action is required - and feelling truly guilty. Some people don't feel this but many others do and I was one of them.

I am I'll be writting more about this in the future.

PSYCHOLOGY - physical beauty

Allright a bit late but here goes my first True Psychology Post(TM)

For a while the concept of physical beauty - when you find someone cute or hot - was a subject that really bugged me. I think it was because of the clash between my idealistic "when you love someone you are loving the person/spirit/whatever, someone is nice" and my "Ok, I don't see myself with > him < even if he's nice, or at least I mean, what about that cute guy over there" kinda deal. This bugged me to no end because my idealistic self (I think at heart I am still an idealist) always "scorned" the other side.. always "reminded" the other side that is is "the soul what matters."

For some reason, it's like when I used to see (or still?) someone who is handsome or cute, a bunch of prejudged characteristics about that guy get attributed to, at least in tendency. Maybe because the ideals of purity "are beautiful" and it is my way of pulling that forward in the material world?

I think one of the most difficult "what if" fantasies I used to run in my mind went like this:

"I walk into a bar. I see two guys. One is in a wheel chair and looks like his face was half burned in a car crash accident. You could tell he used to be very cute and/or handsome, by the other half of the face and his overall body. The other is standing on the left and is a very good looking man. Both look at me with some interest. With whom would I most likely be interested in going out?

answer: The guy on the left.

So let's say we get hitched and we have a great two year relationship.. but on his way home my partner one day has a car crash accident and ends up virtually exactly like the other guy in the wheelchair. Do I dump him?

answer: no

So if that is the case, and assuming the first guy in the wheelchair was a nice guy.. why I would pass on him so quickly? I would probably pass on him even if there was no other altnernative (note: maybe, just maybe, this has changed over time now. At the very minimum I would definitively talk to him)."

Some people have told me that when I say things like these "I just think too much." I guess it must be my curse, because I find myself thinking "too much" about many things in life, where often I see some sort of unresolved hypocrisy just to not think about it and move on. Anyway this is something that has been with me for a while.

About what is probably eight years ago now, I remember seeing a special on Discovery channel on the subject of physical beauty that was quite the eye opener. I remember three studies that caught my attention:

#1. The "baby looks at study" - they showed babies several faces of different people, faces rated as attactive and unatracctive in pairs. Turns out that the babies would look more at the "attractive" face.

#2. The interviewes - they had two women and two guys - all looking for employment and they were filming the interview process and other parts of the company that was going to hire them (how they got the rights for filming this for the study I don't know, but sure is interesting).

So, they had one guy and one women who were not very attractive, but had excellent qualifications for the job. The other pair was attractive/handsome/cute but had poor qualifications for the job, and also were not going to "talk much" during the interview. So in other words, would not "try to sell themselves."

Perhaps the most surprising in a way was the guy's interview. It was surprising because even between men, (I am making the statistical assumption the interviewers were not gay), the physical beauty factor affected the thing.

So basically the guy was interviewing for a stock broker position. With the "unnatractive guy" he was told they would get back to him. When they interviewed the attractive guy, he on purpose put a photo of him with his resume. The most surprising thing to me was that when the interviewer was making some photo-copies of the application at a photocopier, a co-worker stopped by, asked him about the guy he was interviewing, saw the photo and said "he looks like a stock broker."

Wow.

"He looks like a stock broker."

Just like that... all looks here, nothing else.

The story was very similar with the women, with the incredible extra that the interviewer was trying to justfiy before the camera why she was hiring the more attractive woman vs the other one. That was a sorry case :-)

#3. School children and the two teachers - These kids were to have two substitute teachers.. one was attractive and the other one wasn't. They would teach pretty much the same, and be with the kids a couple of days.

The kids where then asked what teacher they preferred and why. Pretty much the attractive one won, with one of the girls making the stunning statement that "I like her < the beautiful one > because she's smarter." The thing that came out consistently in all this is that the person that is considered the most attractive, is the one with the most average features. While I do think that the media and ads and all that do influence what we consider attractive, but it seems to me that the biological/genetical recognition does come first and sets the foundation for it.

So my theory is that evolutionary wise (and if you are a creationist, then think of it as a need anyway, so God put the mechanism), we needed to sort out humans from animals quickly. It was key to survival.. if you see a human you have other options than when you see a tiger or t. rex. And what is more ideal to conform to the human visuals than "an average human?"

Now, I would like to mention that I do think that since survival is the key element here, the brain can map beauty as appropriate. I know for example that in the medieval ages, overweight women were considered attractive. I think this is because they had the food, they had the money - so they were attractive as they were more key to survival. I think in this case the brain re-maps what is beauty, probably as an effect of avoiding the cognitive disonance (think of it as a painful fight between emotion and thought) between "she has the comforts, she has the money & food" vs "she is not that attractive." Survival wins.

Also I think this mapping happens when you get to know someone and all of a suddent they start looking like the most beautiful thing to you. It's like the person has to look the way they look becuase otherwise it wouldn't just feel the same. And of course the reverse can happen- you look at someone gorgeous, they open their mouth and you get a total turn off.

Where am I currently with this concept now in my life? I have come to accept that there is indeed such a thing called physical beauty - and I have finally come to terms so that I don't feel guilty about it. It's just the way it is. It's not the end all be all - and it can change for me over time, or over a person I am getting to know more and more. Several years ago I decided not to "shun" anyone from having a conversation with me and it seems to have paid off. Even when I am not attracted I have gotten to know some interesting people with curious stories to tell.

Comments & critiques welcome.

PS: My apologies for not having the references to these studies, but I am sure you can find them if you look. You don't have to take my word for them, I encourage you to verify them if you have the slightest doubt.

PSYCHOLOGY - hmm so what about it?

Yes, I said that I would be posting some psychology stuff. And actually part of the reason for this blog's title is tied to the fact that I would be talking about human behavior & thoughts in a "take no prisoners way, down to what it is" kinda way, yet nothing of the sort has yet happened.

I have let a combination of aprehension and "must try to carefully research some of the stuff" get the best of me on this, but this will change.

What a post this week on the concept of beauty (physical) and my findings so far in this life.

PSYCHOLOGY - tipsy drunk or something...

I guess that this doesn't really fall in psychology but it's the closest. I am tipsy as I write this, maybe drunk. It's been really years since I have been this way, and in the background the "making of" Matrix: Reloaded is playing (the 2nd DVD that comes with the Matrix reloaded DVD).

Tons of work went into that movie... I wonder from a technical point of view the work that went into the 3rd.

So I am indulging in a bottle of Champagne since I visited a friend of mine (doctor) at a hotel in CA, that is luxurious beyond belief, and I tasted some high-end class Champagne, and it must have been the only alcoholic drink I have liked right away from the get go.

So looking to repeat the experience, I bought myself a bottle of Champaign tonight... but somehow it's not as good. Oh well... anyway....